something different

I apologyze for not writing something that has to do with the text, I try to concentrate but I can't. There's a thought that doesn't leave my head, a thought that doesn't let me concentrate. I've read the beggining of chapter one over and over again and I reas it but can't understand it, as if I was reading what I'm thinking. Anyways I decided to write about that thought that haunts me and tomorrow I'll write a blog for chap. 1 and for the one due next class. It's a risk I had to take, I have to feel that someone is reading this and that someone can understand.
The QUESTions have changed my perspective of life completly. There are times in which I feel I'm waking up, waking up from a dream, facing a reality that was hidden, some kind of reality that someone doesn't want me to see. I realize how everyone I know is a taker, how everything that surrounds us is conquered by force. I get into discussions with people about why we act the way we do, but at the end, I end up not knowing what I'm saying, lost in my own argument. I feel confused but at the same time eager. Eager to understand why I'm thinking the way I do lately, why this course has influenced me so much. I'm really learning something that interests me, something I thought about but didn't know exactly what it was. I feel I'm gaining independence, I'm starting to think by myself, to have my own opinions.
And all of a sudden, its hits me. I'm lost again, confused. Part of me is scared, scared to find out the truth about life, the secrets behind it. I'm scared because I feel that the deeper I get into this, the more I change and now I don't know who I am. I think to myself- I have to wait, read more, learn more, this will help me find myself, but what will happen when the course is over? There is still alot hidden, I know we won't be able to see it all, I guess its an introduction to the secrets of life, secrets that we start discovering as a group, and end up discovering by ourselves.